Are you dating or seeing a man that you really love but for whatever reason they don’t feel the same way about you? Or are you secretly in love with a friend or colleague and find yourself obsessively thinking about getting him to love you back? It’s like you’re stuck in this difficult position and unsure of how to move forward or get out.
If that sounds familiar then you have to watch this video and learn what to do when you love a man who can’t or won’t love you back don’t go anywhere because we’re starting right now.
Okay, on to our topic when you love someone who can’t love you back so let me start by giving you some examples so you know exactly what I’m talking about the first is a situation where you’ve been dating a person and you’re falling in love with them but they don’t want a commitment or a serious relationship at this time he doesn’t want anything serious or he doesn’t want labels the second example you have a crush or you’re secretly in love with a friend of yours maybe someone you work with or a classmate or a neighbor and he doesn’t even know how strongly you feel about him so you have a friendship with this person but you really want more and the third situation is when you’ve dated a guy and had a relationship that has ended so now he’s your ex but you still see him and you’re still in love with him but he clearly isn’t returning the same feelings anymore.
It’s like an on-again-off-again ex that isn’t committing the way he did before now what do all of these scenarios have in common well they’re all examples of some form of unrequited love is a feeling of being deeply in love with someone who can’t or won’t love you the way that you love him.
And it’s a very common phenomenon in fact research indicates that between 93 and 98 percent of American adults have had at least one experience with it.
And one thing is for certain the pain of loving someone who doesn’t feel the same way about you can be devastating and almost unbearable in fact of all the forms of negative emotions you can experience none of them are as acutely painful as this type of romantic rejection but why does it happen why do people fall so deeply in love with a person who won’t return those feelings first and this may be difficult to hear and believe but we have little control over who we start to like and become attracted to, I mean, of course there needs to be a reason to see that person and there usually needs to be some interaction but the feeling enters your life very pleasantly like a person takes on a special meaning it might be an old friend or colleague who is unexpectedly seen in a new way or it can happen with a new person but it usually starts by some act or behavior the other person does some look that they give you or something they say to you or some gesture that indicates that they may have some attraction towards you and then BOOM you notice it, it’s a feeling that can strike hard and fast or it can slowly develop over time but there’s a definite point when things change when you think back on how your relationship started you can usually remember the exact moment when the romantic attraction hit you when you knew you wanted that person and so you continue to admire them you become more physically attracted you see or you think you see the hint of them also liking you back and then the process is set in motion and when the feelings are reciprocated we see the beginnings of dating and even love relationships but when you’re struck with these feelings and they’re not reciprocated for example when you’re crushing on a friend or a co-worker or even an unavailable person things can go quite differently in these cases a tendency to idealize your crush takes hold and you begin to imagine all of these great possibilities of the two of you together you imagine how amazing it’s going to be you’re going to fall in love it’s going to be the best thing ever and the world is going to be perfect it becomes this belief that this person will be this utopian ideal of a man for you the one that you’ve been waiting for the one who’s going to complete you and of course this happens to all couples who are falling in love that is they have a tendency to idealize their partner and the world is blissful and everything is wonderful and they’re drunk in law but then over time as they get to know one another and they spend so much time with them they will slowly appear more flawed than they originally thought they were the idealization is replaced by reality you start to see them as human again and this is the normal pattern but when you’re dealing with unrequited love you’re noticing all of his good features and traits you’re idealizing him and the potential relationship but you’re never really given the opportunity to experience reality the day to day grind you’re never experiencing the frick or seeing his flaws and that allows your crush to appear perfect and to remain perfect but it’s simply not reality and thus the idealization continues the second reason people fall for an unavailable person has to do with the perceived probability of the relationship we feel unrequited love because we think an actual relationship might be possible although it’s not for sure and this can happen when there is a friendship with mixed signals or we misconstrue the interest of someone else for example in cases where you work with the person you have to interact with him on a regular basis and when you’re in love you tend to have what psychologists call a confirmation bias a tendency to grab on to whatever positive signs that he might be interested while discounting or ignoring the negative ones of course this prolongs the hope because there are enough positive signs to seize on – and over-interpret on the other hand the man who’s not interested often feels guilty and doesn’t want to hurt you and so he struggles with telling the truth versus minimizing the pain that you will feel so yeah getting mixed messages certainly makes a person hold on so how do you know if you’re experiencing obsessive unrecruited love here are seven signs to look for number one do you experience intrusive thinking about this person throughout the day is your focus or your work frequently interrupted by these intrusive thoughts number two do you experience an aching desire for him to want you number three is your mood significantly impacted by his actions or inactions towards you number four you have an incredible fear of being rejected by him number five you have a tendency to interpret his neutral behaviors as having a hidden passionate meaning number six you have a tendency to emphasize and exaggerate what is truly remarkable about him while avoiding dwelling on the negative in number seven you have more conversations with him in your head than in real life so yeah if you’re experiencing more than a few of these signs you’re probably dealing with obsessive unrecruited love and if that’s the case know that you’re not alone most of us have experienced the pain of loving someone who doesn’t love you I certainly haven’t in my years of working psychologist and a marriage counselor I’d say that dealing with unrequited love is one of the most common reasons people begin therapy and working with a psychologist romantic rejection is just so painful and difficult to deal with so how do you go about turning things around or moving on well first I’m going to talk about situations where you may be in love with a friend who probably doesn’t know the extent of your feelings towards them then we’re going to talk about other situations where one person doesn’t want a relationship or friends with benefits and lingering relationships with an on-again off-again ex so first should you tell your friend or colleague or coworker your true feelings for him if you’re dealing with a romantic obsession with a friend or colleague you cannot continue to experience these feelings indefinitely it either has to become a reciprocated relationship or the unrequited love has to stop you just can’t go on this way so doing nothing is not an option here if you continue without doing anything you will simply fall more in love and more obsessed with him and it won’t be good so coming clean with your feelings is the first step make the decision to have the talk think about what you’ll say and how and then ask your friend for a time to have a conversation and when the time comes to have the conversation you must be as honest and direct as possible and ask him to be as honest and direct regardless of your feelings you never know you might be surprised to find that the feeling is mutual on the other hand you must be prepared to hear him tell you that he does not share the same feelings for you and if he tells you that he’s not interested you must believe him you must accept his words at face value and not try to look for any alternative explanations or reasons and you must let go of the hope that he will eventually come to love you you must let that go and focus on getting past this believe me your friend does not want to hurt you and it’s not easy for him to tell you that he’s not interested so when he does you’ve got to accept it yes they will be devastating words to hear but they will also offer you a conclusion dealing with this pain is hard.
Especially, if you’re already close to the person that you’ve fallen for it’s going to be difficult to understand how they can reject you when you’ve shared so much.
However, this does not mean that your friendship has to be over it is possible to sustain the friendship after your confession but keep in mind though that it’s important to consider your intentions. Honestly, if you continue the friendship because you’re secretly hoping that he will change his mind then you’re not honoring yourself, your friend, or the friendship. In the end, this deception can lead to more pain for you and for your friend so how do you deal with the pain of the rejection while still remaining friends first?
It’s important to understand your feelings are normal. It’s normal to grieve and to feel hurt and sad and confused and angry.
But it’s also important not to direct those feelings at your friend. Trust me, if he’s your friend he doesn’t want to be the cause of your pain provided that he didn’t lie to you or purposefully lead you on, he’s simply being honest about his feelings just as you were with yours, he can’t help having platonic affection for you just as you can’t help having romantic affection for him. You’re both going to struggle to deal with the situation yet your friendship can recover if the situation is addressed with care and maturity.
And you’ll probably experience some awkwardness or feel slightly different. You might experience some weird interactions or occasionally feel embarrassed around each other.
This isn’t necessarily anyone’s fault and can happen even if you both truly want to remain friends. It may simply indicate you both need time to recover, and lastly, it may feel more natural to completely avoid your friend.
But according to research studies on this topic, friends who continue to talk and see each other are more likely to remain friends than those who stay away from each other.
This isn’t to say that you shouldn’t give yourself some space even if you don’t feel you need it. It can be helpful to take some time away for healing now.
What about situations where you’re in love with a man who doesn’t want a commitment or you’re involved in a friends-with-benefits situation and you want more?
These are situations where one person doesn’t want anything serious but still wants all the benefits of a relationship and these may be the most difficult of all situations because you’re acting like a couple. Yeah, you’re never really sure where you stand, and when you get stuck in this kind of gray area relation a little too long. It might mean that you’re wasting your time on a man who will never commit to you and the longer you stay in this situation, the more attached you become, and the harder it is to get out without a broken heart.