Love can never be said to have a destination or conditions by which it can be, true love has to be deemed unconditional and there is no target laid out for achievements. And also cannot be a means of achieving something else, when your love, to you, is another means of achieving your other desires, then, it is definitely not true love at all, or should I say it is not true love. Love simply can’t have conditions, criteria, or exceptions. And there no higher power between the two of you, neither the man nor the woman should impose his/her will on the other, claiming to have a sort of authority over the other would cause mutiny in one way or the other. You are not God over your partner at all, both of you are in this together and it all depends on the both of you to make it work, not only you.
When you begin to use your partner as a means of achieving your purpose, then you should be sure you don’t love that person, sure you could get hurt, jealous, angry, heartbroken. But I would be lying if I say such things like jealousy, heartbreak, hurt, etc are signs that you actually love someone. Take, for example, a little girl with her doll is afraid of losing it because she won’t have anything else to play with. But if she were to be given some other doll that is better than the former, she would surely let go of the old doll. Now when that girl sees her doll with another child, she tends to be jealous, not because of love for that doll, but because she does not want to lose it. Now, this is not true love.
Sometimes we are mistaken that love means intense desire, but that is not true, love is not desired, the moment you put your desires first, then that’s not true love, you loving something or someone does not really mean you must crave to own that thing by all means possible, that’s when love turns into something else entirely, no need to try and force ownership of something you know that you truly love, instead you just admire and celebrate it.
You should not enter into a relationship with your own fulfillment purpose in mind as this is very dangerous, because you will begin to try and shape your partner into something he/she is not, all because of what you want someone you love to look like. We all have a picture of the person we want to fall in love within our minds, what we want her to look like, talk like, think like, eat like, laugh like, etc and when we don’t find some of these things in our present love, we begin to find all possible means of making them be what we want. Forgetting that this would only make the person be a fake and not their real selves could make your partner rather unhappy in a relationship. So you need to learn to appreciate your current partner for what he/she is, if you love him/her, you need to learn to love their bad side too, that can be attributed to true love, without conditions and questions asked, you are not interested in gaining anything out of the relationship.
You don’t love someone out of pity or because you are trying to simply help the person feel better about herself, that’s a very wrong thing to do, because at the end of the day, you may end up falling really deep and the other person may just be gaining confidence with you, then when its time she will begin to search for something that’s above you, you would end up hurt.
Selfishness in love comes from the mindset that love is a commodity and very hard to find, if you first practice self-love and try finding ways to make yourself happy, instead of your happiness depends on someone else when you finally fall in love, you would have no desires and it would be unconditional because you would not be expecting too much from your partner. Remember, with desire comes suffering, love does not bring suffering, desire does.
So the point is that you must learn to love someone without expecting anything in return, without having any goals to be met by that same relationship, without thinking of ways that the relationship can benefit you. When you love, it must be unconditional.