lady crying out loud
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This Is The Way I Learned To Live Without You

It was hard. It took me a long time to do it, but finally I decided to let you go. Maybe you think that it is not ready yet and that I will come back, that the voices in my head will convince me to try again, but you are wrong. It’s time. I’m done with you.

Let me remind you that you’ve never been there for me when I need you. And I have needed you. And I needed you a lot. But somehow everything was more important than me. Was it so hard to help me when I asked you to? Do you remember the time when my family member died? All you could do was text me and tell me you were coming home late. to take me to the hospital when I was sick?

Your excuse was always that I was too needy and that I needed to slow things down.

I can finally say it wasn’t my fault.

When I look back, I see a desperate little girl who is obsessed with the idea of love and can’t even see what’s going on around her. The little girl was just confused and thought that love should hurt. Isn’t that how it all works?

You used to yell and scream at me and tell me that I didn’t deserve you anyway, that you were much better than I could ever be. You were right. You were much better than me, better at a game I didn’t want to be in. This game of running and hiding and avoiding feelings that I didn’t want to play.

I’m just so sorry for the next amazing girl you break. Maybe she’ll be a little smarter than me, and she’ll see through your lies and manipulations.

To tell you the truth, I found the password on your phone, and I’ve been scrolling through your messages. I know it wasn’t something I should have done, but you never let it out of your sight anywhere, and whenever I saw you flirting with it, those actions made me paranoid. For another reason, as I would learn later.

Messages and pictures of naked women. It was not that I did not expect it, but it shocked me for a moment. The next thing I knew, my heart was crushed into tiny little pieces. There was nothing left of me. I cried for days and nights, but you didn’t call me. You never called me. You never texted me unless I texted you first. So I just stopped caring.

So I learned to live without you.

Our favourite café at the end of the street meant nothing to me anymore, but I went there alone one last time to say goodbye to the place where we met. Unfortunately you were there with your new girlfriend (or whatever she was to you) and you came up to me, probably to make her jealous, and asked me where I had been the last few days.

No. No, I did not want to cry. I will never cry again because of you. As upset as I am, I’m not gonna cry!

I did cry. Right in front of you. A lot.

You thought I was weird, so I just left the café and left you alone. And forever.

You know, I had phases when I didn’t want to get out of bed. I wouldn’t eat anything but chocolate, and I didn’t care what would happen to me.

People usually go through that when they’re disappointed in someone they love. I didn’t expect it to come from you.

So goodbye forever.

I pulled myself together with the help of my friends and with the realization that it was not worth crying and that it was not worth all the sad days I spent in my room.

Today, when I see you, my heart still beats. It just can’t get over you. But I’ve learned to live with it. Because I’m a strong woman. I don’t need you to make me feel safe and healthy! All I need in my life is myself. It took me a long time to realize that.

I listen to my friends, who are the most important people in my life right now, tell me how they see you on the street, and sometimes they say hello to you. But that doesn’t mean anything to me.

I have new hobbies! I’ve even adopted a little puppy. He’s the warmth I need. Can’t you see that? I’m doing amazingly well without you! With all these projects and things going on around me, I’m fine.

I’ve taken refuge in my work and self-improvement. I’ve escaped. Yes, I escaped.

And I hope you never find me again.

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