You know no matter how hard we try, there are difficult things that happen between us and other people. And Trust can be lost. Watch closely as I share with you how to rebuild lost trust in a relationship. Sooner or later it’s going to happen. You’re going to lose trust with somebody. And why is that going to happen? Well, we’re all human. This is either going to happen with a friend, somebody at work, a neighbor, a child, your spouse, a family member. I pretty much I think I just covered most people in the world, right? And sooner or later, it’s going to happen. And what do we do when this happens? Or when the trust is lost? Is it at the end? Is there no way to ever build it back? Or what…? What is it that we do? Because I’ve met a lot of people in my life and I actually have met people who have said to me directly, “That person can never regain trust with me ever again, Kirk.” Wow, I’ve heard that brutal statement from actually quite a handful of people. And that’s sad because if we don’t learn how to rebuild trust, then there is no chance. There’s only a certain number of things we can do wrong and then we’re just pretty much done for the rest of our life. I believe people can change. I believe behavior can change. I believe that if with training and practice and agreements and being with people, we actually can improve our lives. I don’t think we’re all set and unstoned and that’s it and that’s all you get. Because when I was growing up as a kid, I lost my dad’s trust. I’ve lost my mom’s trust. Because I would make mistakes. You know I’d tell them I was going to do something and then I didn’t do it or they gave me a responsibility and I failed miserably. I bet you’ve done the same thing growing up. You know or even right now in your life. We all forget and we all mess up and we all do things wrong. So maybe what we actually need to do is get better at how to rebuild this lost trust. So let’s talk about this.
How to go about doing this? I got 4 steps for you that I think will make a difference for you if you’re in the mindset of believing that people can change. If… And one more thing before we start. If we believe people can change. what I think is I think that also facilitates that we love people. And so by giving a person another chance and another chance in another chance, it means that we care and we that we love the person. I think it’s a great place to come from. Okay, so let’s take a look at this.
Whenever Trust is lost, what we don’t want to lose after Trust is lost is communication. Communication actually needs to pick up a little bit more. I think the lack of communication creates a loss of trust. So, to rebuild trust requires us to literally step up the amount and the frequency of communication. I’ve got 3 boys that I’ve raised and still are raising, right? We always are raising our children all through life. And along their travels, they’ve done things where I trust levels were really really tiny. And I knew at that moment that we had to pick back up on communication. And that means that we’re communicating more frequently and more clearly about everyday experiences so that we can rebuild that trust. So, instead of letting communication go to the wayside or cutting the person off and not having communication and here you want to rebuild this trust, you start the communication. Don’t wait for the other person to start. Now, remember this is communication not interrogation. It’s communication.
If we can desire and wish and want for that connection to hold together, communication will bring in the level of connection. And I believe it’s also important that we believe what we act as though we want to maintain or rebuild a reestablish that level of connection with the person. Connection means that we’re willing to listen, we’re willing to talk, we’re willing to sort things out. And emotionally, even though we may be hurt, we still are including this person in our life.
3. Talk about what went wrong.
Where were the glitches, where did it go bad. And now, it’s time to talk about what are the new agreements going to be. Because part of rebuilding trust is coming up with new agreements. Now, a mistake that people make is they do verbal agreements. A verbal agreement can get forgotten about, it can be twisted. It can be totally rearranged in somebody’s head about what was said. And my suggestion to you is to put all agreements in writing. They have a copy, you have a copy or it’s posted somewhere about what they’re going to do and what you’re going to do to help build this trust. But I’ve made this mistake many times before where it was a verbal agreement. And now 2 weeks later, 1 of the 2 people either me or them, they forgot about what the verbal agreement is. And they got it mixed up and now we have another level of trust that’s being broken. So, when you go to make amends and to reconcile what’s happened and these new agreements are coming up because to rebuild trust means that there are agreements. And with an agreement can come some expectations.
But an expectation without an agreement is going to be a problem. So, remember that. Before you can ever have expectations on someone, there must be a point you come together where you both agree on what needs to be different. And put it in writing. The last one is to keep a positive story about yourself and about the person. Because we can all dredge up enough evidence to literally talk bad about somebody or talk down about somebody.
That you can do to anybody. You can find enough things wrong with any person to talk bad about them. And if mad about them part of rebuilding trust is to think in a productive way about the person. If this is your child or your spouse or somebody at the office that this trust has been lost, we must put our minds in the right place that this is going to be a better experience.
Now, do we forget about what happened? Well, we can let go of the pain of what happened little bits at a time is, its time and it’s necessary. And it’s and it’s that part of our life where we can feel like we move past that. But we also need to remember what behaviors are actually being worked on. And so I can think positively about my son that he’s going to change, he’s going to adjust, he’s going to follow his new agreement that he decided on. And I can project that kind of information towards him. Because if I’m still thinking in a negative way towards my son while he’s trying to change a behavior to be better, I could be holding him back. And I’ve seen spouses do this.
I’ve mentored couples before where one spouse could not let go of their negative thinking about their spouse. And their spouse is doing all these changes and all these things that are different and better but that spouse couldn’t even see them. Couldn’t even notice it. Because they just kept telling the same negative stories over and over again and the spouse didn’t even have a chance of making a change. So, it takes both.
A positive story about yourself and a positive story about the other person. Now, does that mean that we just you know, this positive story is going to make us blind to the possibility that they can make more mistakes? No. Positive stories actually helped us be more in tune. A negative story going on in our head about people actually causes us to not be in tune. We do not need to tell negative stories to catch negative things. Negative stories downgrade us. Negative stories hurt us. They drop our energy, it drops our emotions, it drops our ability to be in tune. So, if you keep a negative story inside of you about another person, you won’t even catch what’s going on. Good or bad.
So, my suggestion for number 4 is a positive story about yourself and the other person actually is going to help you and it’s going to help them. I know that these four suggestions I just gave you are going to make a really big impact on how you rebuild trust with another person. And if you don’t think it’s possible to rebuild trust, a question I have for you is why don’t you trust yourself? Why are you not ready to move forward and rebuild trust? Every person deserves another chance and as it says in the good book, you give them a lot of chances. And I know it hurts. But that’s part of life is loving and forgiving each other. And we keep doing it over and over again until we all get to figure this out. So, take these steps in rebuilding trust. And get into that communication and that connection with them. Because wow, when things start to improve, it feels so good. It feels so good. Well here at 3 key elements, this is our mission. Our mission is to share great steps that really do work to be able to help in situations like this where it’s time to rebuild trust.