Feeling unloved and unappreciated? The first thing you need to know is that you are definitely not alone. And the second is that there are a number of possible reasons
To be loved is as much about giving love as receiving it. And if you feel that your family and loved ones have let you down, there are certain things you must first understand.
Unconditional love is a feeling that needs to be expressed, felt and received openly. Often people cannot see the love around them because they have only a limited idea of what love actually is.
You cannot put your self-esteem and self-respect in the hands of someone else. These should never be based on how much love you think you have been given.
Love manifests itself in all the little things that people often take for granted. A thoughtful text Good night. A long, sincere embrace. A friendly gesture in a difficult time. And the list goes on and on!
So if you are going through a difficult time in your marriage (or other relationship), we should first examine why you keep hitting walls before we learn how to change them.
Where does this sense of loss come from?
To help yourself get better, you must first understand where this overwhelming feeling comes from. If you ask yourself these questions, things will become much clearer.
1. Is this feeling directed to a specific person?
It is really important to find out. Do you feel unloved because a certain person does not love you (or so you think)? Is it perhaps a friend or family member?
It makes a big difference whether you feel unloved by a particular person or whether it is a general feeling. Think long and hard about where it all started.
2. Or do you feel it in a more general sense?
Maybe you have the feeling that nobody supports or appreciates you anymore. You have lost all hope that anyone will ever understand you, and whoever you turn to feels unheard and completely invisible?
This is a much more delicate question, which probably arises from a more serious situation. If you want to feel better, you have to go deep inside yourself.
3. Do you feel that everyone in your life has put you on a break?
Are you ignored by your relatives? Do you learn the hard way who your real friends are? Are you plagued by self-doubt because of this constant feeling of fear?
One way to self-improvement is to face each brick wall you have stumbled into and boldly say what you feel.
With a “me first” attitude, you will see who does not deserve you and who will still make an effort despite your current struggles.
4. Perhaps you feel completely misunderstood?
A woman’s face on a pillow while sitting on a sofa in the living room
Right now there is not a single person who really understands what you are going through. And that makes you wonder if it’s even worth trying.
But let me tell you something. If you want to get caught, you have to say something.
Often this is the direct result of a little misunderstanding that turns into something much bigger because nobody is willing to even try.
5. Have you let your insecurities get the better of you?
It happens to all of us. We convince ourselves that we are not worthy of love, which leads to feelings of isolation and alienation. Perhaps this is entirely self-inflicted?
Think about how much self-love you let in, and you will understand how closely everything is intertwined.
You unconsciously chase people away when you feel that you do not deserve their love. This is something you can easily handle without professional help.
6. Do you feel completely and utterly unlovable?
Woman in a black dress, looking so sad while sitting there with her feet drawn in
There are people who do not share the deep pain they feel because they fear that it will make them seem even more complex. If you are among those people who feel 100% unlovable, you are not alone.
There are so many who feel the same way you do, and most of the time they just go along with that feeling and don’t even try to get to the bottom of it.
But there is always a solution, no matter how deep your pit seems to be. Don’t think you’re a basket case just because you’ve decided that you are one.
This is where you stand:
If you find yourself in question one, three or five, the problem is self-inflicted. And if questions 2, 4, and 6 have found you appealing, it is best to contact a close relative.
Perhaps your partner, your siblings or your best friend?
If you feel this feeling of loss because the love you receive does not match your assumptions about what love should be, then this is something you definitely need to work on.
This is not something personal; it is an inner problem that you must solve yourself. Expand your horizons when it comes to love and begin to see all the little things that it surrounds you without you realizing it.
It often happens that we do not see love when it is staring us straight in the face. Do not allow your negativity or your high expectations to ruin you for love.
Feeling unloved because you have stopped seeing this world as a hopeful place is a more serious issue. People who feel unworthy and unloved usually struggle with the deeper problems that suppress them.
If you lead a hopeless life and never allow yourself to feel what you can feel with certainty, this will have serious consequences for your later life. There is hope for everyone – including you.
Let us examine all the small ways in which people show love
There’s a chance this is all in your head. People express their love in a way that is not so obvious, but just as deep and sincere.
Here are all the ways in which your partner or another loved one shows you that he or she means something to you that you may have overlooked.
1. It’s always the little things…
I know you’ve probably heard this a million times before and you’re getting tired of it. But you know what? It’s the absolute truth.
The little things are always the biggest deal breakers when it comes to intimate relationships. I know that for a fact, because in the end they’re the ones that have been most helpful in finding out who’s really watching my back.
Giving them half their sandwich on a long journey with no supermarket in sight is love.
Picking up your laundry that you can’t pick up because your day is extremely long – that is love. Letting her choose a romantic comedy for the tenth time in a row is love.
Open your eyes and begin to see the love that surrounds you. Remember – love is about action, not words!
2. If they find time for you, even if you know how hectic their days are
People are busy juggling their private lives, careers, family, friends and hobbies, and it is almost impossible to find an hour to yourself.
And yet, when someone manages to take the time to be there for you, you don’t really appreciate it.
Do you know how easy it is to just say no when they are super busy?
But they’re not. They push things around and give you the time you need. Recognize and appreciate these pearls of humanity!
You will know who will have your back when you realize that there are some people who will always be too busy and yet there are some whose time is always available to you.
Do not take this for granted. Do not think for a second that you are unloved. That is pure love.
Those who care always take their time. Recognize it, appreciate it, and never miss it again.
3. If they listen to you, to understand where you come from
People will pretend to listen, but do they really? Hell, anyone can say, “You have my full attention, go ahead,” and then scroll through their social media feed and look around. That’s not listening.
Listening is giving you their full attention and actually trying to understand your attitude. Listening means having a conversation to improve what is lost in translation.
It is sometimes difficult to explain yourself. But if there is someone out there who makes a constant effort to listen to you and acknowledge you, you will be loved.
You don’t have to say “I love you” for it to be true. If they’re just there, that’s what counts!
4. If they don’t play down your problems
There will be people who will always be worse off than you. If you are sick and you are miserable, they will be much worse off.
If you have a hard time at work, they will get worse. If your family is a little far away, theirs will have given up on them.
You understand the basics. And with these people, you will never win. Not that there’s anything to win by handling problems.
If you have people in your life who don’t make you feel crazy because you deal with problems, you will be loved. If there are people who take your mental illness (if you have one) seriously, you will be loved.
If there are people who offer their help without kitschy sayings or half-hearted efforts, you will be loved very much.
People who sincerely want to help you, who take care of your problems and who are constantly appearing for you are gems.
Think about this before you diagnose yourself as unlovable.
5. When they drop everything for you
If you have someone who will stop whatever they’re doing (cooking lunch, playing video games, relaxing after a long day) as soon as you call, it’s priceless.
People only really appreciate someone’s time and effort when they are no longer there. Don’t allow yourself to lose a great person by not seeing everything they do for you.
A few years ago I was involved with a toxic narcissist who wouldn’t take out the garbage or wash the dishes if my life depended on it.
If I called him in an emergency, there was always some excuse why he couldn’t be there.
It was awful, and of course I had to break up with him. And since then I’ve learned to appreciate anyone who gives me their time selflessly.
Sometimes you learn these things the hard way, but you must never close your eyes to real people. They’re far too rare!
People show love in subtle ways that we don’t always see.
Feeling unloved sometimes has more to do with how you perceive yourself than how others treat you.
There are real but subtle ways in which love comes to you. Do not get too distracted and risk losing it.
People have their own lives and their own responsibilities. It is not always easy to make yourself available at every hour of the day.
But those who always try to reach out and offer their help are worth it in the long run.
It is not your fault if people disappoint you. It’s up to them! But don’t let one or two negative experiences make you believe that you are unloved – or worse, unloved.
A good relationship (be it with your partner, friend or sibling) is about trying and trying hard, even when times get tough.
Don’t be the first to give up on yourself when there are people who still care.
Think about it. If there is still someone who shows up in this world full of bad people and bad things that happen every day, don’t you owe it to yourself to appreciate and hold on to these people?
How can you start to feel better?
It’s okay if you still feel a little lost and helpless. That’s a lot of information to absorb, so take your time.
I’m sure you’ve seen that there’s someone out there who really cares about you. And this will make things exponentially better.
1. Learn to appreciate people’s small, friendly gestures
Find love and happiness and the little things that surround you every day.
A simple smile from a stranger in the street can make a big difference. A real compliment for your work/work gives you reason to be proud.
Look around you. There will ALWAYS be something to be negative about, and I understand that. But in the midst of all the negativity it is more important than ever to uncover the little positive things.
I promise you, once you start to really look at and hear the people around you, you will see that you are loved much more than you think.
People do little acts of kindness all the time – you just have to want to see them.
2. Start to set your own priorities
Putting yourself first is a necessity. This is not selfish, but something you must do if you ever expect to be properly loved.
Stop doing things for others and start doing things for yourself. Stop trying to please everyone around you and think about what makes YOU happy.
Do not care about the needs of others and forget about yourself. You are SO important, and so is your mental health!
Feeling unloved sucks, but not loving yourself is even worse! If you would show some self-love to yourself, you might finally start to allow yourself to feel the love of others.
3. Do not take it personally when people disappoint you
Often people fight internally, which affects their behavior towards other people. Yes, people will disappoint you. It’s just a reality that everyone lives through.
But what matters is not to take it personally. It’s up to them, not you. Get up and go on. Shitty people are everywhere, and the only way to get around them is to forget you ever knew them.
This is gonna hurt, and it’s definitely gonna make you a little sad. But in a few weeks you’ll be as good as new and you’ll finally understand how much better you’ll be without them.
And you will still be the same poisonous person who disappoints others left and right.
Your self-worth depends on how much you value your own damn self, not on how much love you get from the wrong people.
4. Stop looking for love in places where you will never receive it.
We’ve all done it. We have all looked for love in the wrong places, hoping to find our happiness – until the end of our days. And quite unsuccessfully most of the time.
And the solution? Stop looking for love where you’ve already been burned!
I know it’s hard, but look for love in new places that have not already disappointed you. Turn over a new leaf and give people the chance to surprise you.
They will never find your happy place where you have already been disappointed. Scratch that off your list and take a new direction.
Sure, it is discouraging, but happiness is often found in the most unexpected places!
5. Give love selflessly and without expectations
Love is selfless. It’s not something you give to make yourself feel better. Learn to give love without expecting anything in return.
Do something good without needing confirmation or praise from anyone. This will help you feel much better inside and you will begin to realize the true beauty of love.
Give and you will receive! Show love and you will be loved back! The right people will always find you. If they have not done so they do not belong in your life.
In my own experience, I feel much better when I am able to give a glimmer of hope or affection to someone when I know that they need it most. That is what nourishes my soul.
Try to give something back without expecting anything in return. The feeling is priceless, and frankly, it puts everything into perspective.
Friendly people are attracted to friendly people. Be a good person and the good will win you back.
The feeling of being unloved is an inner feeling that should never be played down. At the same time, it is necessary to look at it from other perspectives in order to find a way out.
It is okay to feel unloved. It’s okay to have your days off. But never think that there is something wrong with you if someone cannot treat you properly.
Hopefully my guidelines could help you to recognize what the real problem is and how to solve it in the long run.
Love is all around you. You can see it in the smile of a stranger, the unexpected warm embrace of your partner, the friendly gesture of your sister, or the unwavering support of your mother.
Weed out the wrong people, focus on the few real souls in your life, and shrug off those you cannot love.
Make yourself your top priority and see how quickly things will change! When you learn the power of self-love, nothing will ever be the same again.