Dear Love “love of my life.”
Firstly, I would like to appreciate you for giving me what I do not deserve.
I do not deserve these bad words that you shouted in my face and then spitting in my face that was spat in my face. It only made you feel more like a man, and it completely destroyed me.
I didn’t deserve to be humiliated and abused. You made me feel I was nothing, just so that you could feel the power – the power you felt when you made me helpless to do anything to save me.
I didn’t deserve to wake up in the middle of the night in a sweat because I had nightmares in which you played the leading role. You weren’t by my side to see me in agony. You didn’t care what happened to me. The only thing you cared about was satisfying your needs and being selfish.
I didn’t deserve all these anxiety attacks every time I thought about you or heard about you.
I didn’t deserve the lack of love I got from you, and most of all I didn’t deserve that you cheated on me.
What I have to say to you now is a thank you.
Thank you for making me realize that you didn’t deserve me!
Thank you for that horrible night when you emotionally beat me to death. Only then was it possible for me to be born again. That night was the night you gave me the courage to finally leave you. I know you thought everything you did to me was right, but you were so wrong. You don’t treat the woman you love like shit. You don’t bring her to the edge. You don’t destroy her every desire to go on living.
Instead, you hold her like the most precious thing in your life. Because deep down, you know it’s a woman you love, and that you were a lucky bastard who won her over. With a woman like that, you don’t play mind games or do all these terrible things to her. You cherish her, and you thank God every day that you have her in your life. But you didn’t do that, did you? You took advantage of her and destroyed her life forever, because even when she managed to get away from you, she was not the same person anymore.
You killed the woman she once was and you raised a new one that fits you perfectly, just like you wanted.
You swore you loved her. Every time you did another horrible thing and she wanted to leave, you begged her to stay. You swore on your life that you loved her, that you wanted to help her. What a bunch of lies!
But still, there’s something I don’t understand. How dare a person like you say “I love you” to someone? Those three words represent something you can’t understand I don’t even know why you said you loved me if you don’t feel that Maybe you wanted to deceive me and take advantage of me. Maybe deep down you were a broken man who didn’t know how to love a woman, so you did all these bad things to me. Maybe you really thought you were right, that you were doing the right thing. Maybe you’re so much of a psychopath.
I’ve always wondered where your consciousness lies. I’ve always wondered, is it hard for you when you go to sleep? Are your mind and soul relaxed? But I never got an answer to these questions. I’m not even sure if you ever thought about it, because everything you did to me seemed so natural.
You did not love me. You can’t love anyone. Maybe you just liked the idea of love, so you tried it, and I was your “guinea pig”. But let me tell you something. You failed, and you failed hard.
Foolishly, I was the one who really loved you, but I shouldn’t have loved you at all. I was the one who was ready to move mountains for you and all I had left was a piece of one of them that broke off and hit me. I was the only one who tried, and the only one who fought for what you called “eternal love”. And what did I end up with? I got emotional scars that will never heal. I got memories that will never go away.
I can still hear the echo of your harsh words in my head. I feel them haunting me and making me tremble. I get cold for no reason and then I remember thinking about you. Back then, I began to feel numb every time you insulted me. I thought it was because I got used to it. Only now, when these words from the past haunted me, did I realize that I was filling up these feelings in order to survive. I locked up what was left of me deep inside myself, hoping to find it one day soon. That was my defense mechanism, and now I know what a horror I survived because of you. Now that I’m far away from you, I finally realize how lucky I am to be alive.
I finally realize how lucky I am to have another chance, not only for love, but also for life. Now I realize how strong I am and this time I promise myself that I will never let anyone hurt me as you did.
My behavior, everything I’ve done and everything I’ve been was never good enough for you. To you, I was a piece of clay ready to be molded. Today I realize that I was already a masterpiece until you ruined me by trying to “improve” me.
Before, when I loved you, I thought you were the light at the end of my dark tunnel. But you were the darkness that held me back. You were the shadow that drew me deeper every time I reached for the light to save me. All this time you were the man who held me back to achieve my goals and make my dreams come true. And the saddest part was that you wanted me to believe that you would help me ascend, and all the while you were pushing me deeper into a vast nothingness.
Even though I thought you were the love of my life, you were really my worst enemy. And to be honest, I still don’t understand how you could do that to the woman you live with. How could you tell me you loved me if you didn’t mean it? I guess you were the kind of man who didn’t give a damn what people thought about him. And in this case, you didn’t care what I thought of you, because if you did, you would have thought first before you did, but when we were together, you always acted and then you thought. But then it was too late for forgiveness.
A person can take just enough. When you think you’ve reached your limit, you haven’t reached it. If you think you can’t take it anymore, you’re not there yet. But if you don’t care, if it doesn’t matter whether you live or die, if the days and nights look exactly the same, then you have just enough.
You’ve made me believe in things that aren’t real. You made me trust you. You told me it was impossible to live with me. They told me I was crazy, that I needed help. You told me I was unlovable, but it was you who couldn’t handle me because you saw me do things you weren’t capable of. Just because I was stronger than you, you wanted to belittle me and gas me. You wanted to have control over me. You wanted to control me, and sadly, for a moment, you did. You were my necessary evil: the disguised narcissist and the man who knew how to fuck me up with words alone. You knew exactly where to strike. You knew exactly how to destroy me.
After years have passed, I have only one thing to say to you.
The girl that you “formed” into a pathetic, meaningless nothing has become a woman who is a powerful and unbreakable something.
I thank you for being a part of my life.
Thank you for making me realize that I was the only one who could save me.