1. Create Meaningful Words That Only You Two Understand
We all love to hear our partner say ‘I love you!’ as much as possible, but how about hearing our partner say ‘You are the jelly to my jam!’? Would that be as meaningful? It would be if jelly and jam was your favorite combination of tastes!
Another example may be that you love to surf and turf more than any other food; therefore, your partner is your surf and turf.
You two have shared inside moments together that mean something to only you two, so use those moments to create special words that you can use that nobody else in a million years would get, just like the jelly and jam.
Not only will your partner feel good about the way you acknowledge them in a cute way, but it will also bond you two together even more because you have an ‘inside secret’ that no one else has with you.
Task: Take the time to reflect on what your partner really finds meaningful. What do they associate with good feelings and happiness? What makes them smile when they talk about it or get excited when they see it? Now use that information to your advantage and really show them how much you care by making it part of how you show them what they mean to you.
2. Suggest Something to Do That Means Something Special To Your Partner
If you know how your partner feels about things then you can use those things to convey how you feel about your partner.
Every one of us associates words and memories with emotions. Good word and good memories correspond to good emotions – it’s as simple as that.
Good emotions around or towards our partners can make us feel more attracted or connected to our partner, so if you are the one making your partner feel good then you can bet your partner will feel good towards you as well.
If your partner associates the beach with the happiest moment of their life, and you suggest going to the beach, then they are going to feel good about you. Their happiness will instantly come to life when you mention the beach and that emotion will pass on to how they feel about you. See how that works?
Task: What is special to your partner? What makes them giddy and excited and feel good? If they like watching a certain TV show then suggest that you watch it.
Even if it’s something as simple as going to bed and cuddling before your fall asleep may be enough to make your partner feel good about you. Just make sure it’s their favorite thing and not yours.
3. Say Something to Your Partner That They Really Want To Hear
There are many times in a relationship when we don’t compliment or praise our partner when we should. We may avoid doing it because of our ego or pride, or we may avoid doing it because we are feeling selfish.
You’ve probably done this.
It’s when your partner is proud of something in their lives and is fishing for a positive statement from you but all you give them is a look, or worse – you say something negative instead of positive.
For example, maybe you went bowling and they bowled a perfect game and you were pissed off that you lost so instead of making them feel good you tried to make them feel bad for winning. How does this help your relationship? It doesn’t.
When you withhold compliments or praise because of your ego or pride then you are missing an opportunity to really make your partner feel good about themselves and about you. You can only win from making your partner feel good.
Task: The next time you see an opportunity today to make them feel good, take it, even if it means making them look better than you in some way. Don’t pass by the opportunity to make them feel good and bring your relationship closer because of your pride or ego.
4. Create a Game of Pointing Out the Positives in the Other Person
This doesn’t have to follow some great thing that they did that deserves recognition. This is just about them as a person and can be played at any time of the day regardless of what is happening.
You can sit down with your partner and take turns telling each other what you think is good about them. Maybe they can play the guitar like a rock star, or maybe they can make you laugh no matter how down you are. Whatever their personal positives are – tell them.
Don’t generalize by saying something like “You are funny.” Make it more specific by saying “You always know how to make me laugh when you do that silly face.”
The more specific you are the more it will mean to your partner.
Task: Sit down and play this ‘game’ with your partner. You don’t have to name a thousand things that you think are positive. And you don’t have to turn it into a competition about who can think of more positive things (hurt feelings are bound to come from that kind of competition when one person runs out of things to say.) Just try and name 5 things about each other to start and you will receive the benefits from it.
5. Spend Time Pointing out Positives in the Relationship
This is not about you or your partner but instead, it’s about your relationship. This is putting the focus on the positives in the relationship. Pointing out what is working in the relationship is contrary to what we normally do which is point out the worst of the relationship.
You may find that one day of this will not be enough and it may start to become a weekly or monthly routine for you. I personally feel that this should be done at least once a week.
Not only will talking about why the relationship is good to make you feel closer, but it will allow you to do more of the things that you find positive because you will realize the effect it has on your relationship.
Task: Sit down and spend some time discussing the things you think are really great about your relationship. Make sure you fully listen when your partner is talking so that you can really see how the relationship affects them in a positive way – and make sure that those positives stay around.
6. Talk about When You Met and Remember the Feelings That You Had During That Time
Reflecting on the moments of when you met will not only feel good but it will also bring back those early feelings of lust, infatuation, and desire.
Once you start to really discuss those early moments when you will experience the feelings that you felt at that time and therefore you will start to feel the same way towards your partner at that time.
It’s true. After ten years of being with someone, you can bring back some intense passion just by recollecting the past.
It doesn’t matter how many times you do it either because those feelings will never change. Not unless you have a time machine to recreate a new feeling from the past. Those feelings are memories that are there for good and they are not going away!
Task: Talk about the first time you saw each other and what you were thinking and felt at that time.
7. Talk about Your Life Together Since You Met
In a committed relationship, your life is deeply entangled. Most likely you spend at the very least 50% or more of your time together. That’s a huge chunk of your life!
Reflecting on your time together will bring you closer by default. You will feel more like a team in life and you will be more aware of what your partner really does for you, and with you, in your life. Once you realize that you are a team you will start to act more like a team in life.
One thing to focus on would be new things that you’ve experienced together like buying your first house or going on your first vacation to Maui. These are experiences in life that you have shared together and that’s exciting.
Task: Reflect on the good moments in your life together. If you would like to focus on the bad moments that you have shared – like death or another loss – that’s okay too. The point is you are discussing your life together and the obstacles you’ve overcome or that joy that you’ve shared.
8. Evaluate Your Week as a Couple – and Improve
I first read about this in Jack Canfield’s – The Success Principles. He mentions how he asks his wife to rate him 1 out of 10 for the week and then give him reasons why she gave that answer. This is a great idea!
Not only will you become more aware of how your actions and words affect your partner but you will add a new level of communication into your relationship that most couples don’t have.
Not many people can be honest about what they would like to change in their partners. And not many people can take the criticism that their partner gives them.
If you can manage to do both on a level that doesn’t involve anger and hurt then you will be on your way to an amazing relationship.
Task: Sit down at bedtime and ask your partner for an honest rating on a scale of 1 to 10. Let him or she explain why they have given you this rating and listen completely. Then promise to work no those areas that bothered him or her so that you can receive a better score next time. Then switch roles. Remember keep your ego and pride out of it and just focus on having a better relationship. This technique can really help your relationship improve if you are honest and open.
9. Make the Most of Your Time Together
Don’t waste a minute today. When you are together be aware of that fact and cherish it. Live in the moment!
So often we allow ourselves to get caught up with the TV or the computer and don’t even notice our partner sitting next to us. This does nothing healthy for the relationship.
When you are together make sure you laugh and enjoy your time. If something is bothering you then discuss it and get it out of the way so that you can really enjoy your time together.
Task: Really focus on your partner when you are together. Notice every movement, word, and action made by your partner and enjoy it. This will allow you to live in the moment and really enjoy each other’s company. If you go to bed feeling good about your partner and the time spent together today then you know you’ve done this task well.
10. Create a Special Date Focused Only On Your Relationship High Points
Remember the feeling you got about talking about when you first met and reliving those feelings? This is going to recreate that same feeling – or maybe even surpass it.
Make a date together and plan to spend that time visiting places that meant something really good for your relationship.
Task: If you have the time today then revisit some places that meant something to you like the place where you first kissed. If you don’t have the time to go out then make a date to do it in the near future and instead focus on the places in your house together for today. Like the place where you first made love in the house or where you had some great moment of laughter and joy.
11. Remove Your Ego from the Relationship for the Day
- I’m right.
- It’s my way or the highway.
- But I’d rather do this…
- It should be done this way.
Anything that you find yourself saying on a normal basis…stop for a day. If you always want the dishes done a certain way and feel as though there is no other way to do it – relax, take a breath, and let your partner do it their way for a day.
Give up your power for a day and just let it be.
You will find that you will experience two things from doing this. First, you will allow your partner to feel as though they are not wrong in the way they do things that they are equal in the relationship.
Second, you will find that you will feel a sense of letting go that comes from living outside of your ego. You will feel less stressed and anxious and more relaxed and at the moment.
Task: Make today the day that you go with the flow. Don’t get upset or anxious if things are not done your way (the right way) but instead allow yourself to see things from a new point of view (your partner’s point of view).
12. Write a Love Letter to Your Partner
Words can say a lot. They mean something when they are said or written. The difference is that your partner can take those written words around with them forever and re-read them exactly as they are written.
You will find that many older people still have a special note or picture that they still carry around with them after many years of being with someone. It means something special. It’s something to look at.
Plus writing how you feel is a lot different than saying how you feel. When you write you can be exact with what you are saying and correct any errors that you made. You don’t have to say “I didn’t mean that!” or “That’s not how I meant it!”
Task: Write out a love letter saying why you are thankful for them today or what they mean to you or how grateful you are for last night. Whatever you write make sure it could potentially be something that they will carry around with them until they are older.
13. Write a Letter of Things You Want to Tell Your Partner But Can’t
Some things are hard to say. Many people have a hard time telling their partner that they love them, while others have a hard time telling them just what is bothering them. Whatever it is – it should be said.
Task: Think of something that you should tell your partner, something good, and write it out to them.
14. Give Each other Pet Names and Use Them
If you haven’t already done this then do it! Pet names are a special right for lovers! No one else can call you lover, bunny, sweetie, honey, or anything else with the same meaning that they can.
Plus, pet names remind you of the bond that you have when the name is said to you. They can lift you up and make you feel better after a long day at work.
Task: If you don’t have a pet name for your partner then makeup one that feels comfortable to you. Once you have a pet name use it. Use it to address them whenever you can appreciate the bond that comes from it.
15. Remember That Your Words Can Hurt or Repair
Always watch what you say to your partner. Your words have the power to hurt them deeply or repair their soul. You choose what you say and how you affect them.
It can be easy to get caught up in your ego during a discussion or argument and say something you regret, but you may sometimes just be in a bad mood and allow some hurtful words to come out. Or you may say something that you know will hurt them in some way.
Be aware of how you speak to your partner. If you think it may hurt them then and do them no good then don’t say it, and if you need them to hear something then say it in the nicest way possible.
Try to uplift your partner when they need it as well instead of turning back to whatever task you were doing. For instance, if they tell you that they are not feeling good during your favorite TV show then take a second to ask them why they not feeling good and let them know you care.
Task: Follow the golden rule today. If you have nothing nice to say then don’t say anything at all. And if you see an opportunity to uplift your partner today then do it!
16. Create a Love Letter Describing Them with the Alphabet
This may sound like something straight out of elementary school but all of the ideas can’t be ‘grown-up’ ideas. Some of the best and most memorable things come from acting like a kid.
Go from A to Z and describe them the best you can with each letter. Adorable,
Bombshell, Courageous, etc…You will get a laugh from them and they will enjoy it as well. Plus, you will discover new ways of looking at them that you never thought of before.
Task: Describe your partner from A to Z. You can write it down or make a game out of it with your partner and take turns.
17. Touch Yourself Suggestively in Private – Add Passion
We don’t always touch ourselves suggestively while we are in private. Especially when ‘the mood’ hasn’t been set to do so, but a small touch that suggests something bigger can turn on you and your partner tremendously.
Think back to when you were dating. Chances have you touched yourself suggestively all the time trying to get your partner to kiss you or touch you or just think about you in that way. Once we get into a relationship, however, we lose that suggesting manner because we know it’s just going to happen.
Task: Touch yourself in a way that you think will get your partner thinking about you in a sexual way. Use that long-forgotten flirty eye contact while doing it! A little glance during and after will let him or her know you mean business.
18. Keep Growing Intellectually
This may be more than a day thing, but if you haven’t been doing this then TODAY is the day to start!
Keeping yourself mentally healthy is important to your relationship’s health. If you start to decline and your partner keeps learning, growing, and practicing then you will eventually be on completely different playing fields when it comes to mental health.
Keeping healthy intellectually also means you are going to have more to offer your partner in the long run. As you grow and learn you will have new ways of viewing things and doing things. You will become a more aware person and this is always a good thing! You will be able to understand your partner better and where they are coming from – and focusing on your intellectual growth will almost always cause you to focus on growing in every other area of your life.
Task: Want to learn something? Have you been putting something off? Get out there and buy a book or watch a show or browse the internet and learn about it!
Try to learn something new every day starting today. Think of the 365 new things you will know in a year from now.
19. Take a Relationship Workshop
Growing and learning together will always bring you closer, and when you are learning about your relationship dynamics together and how to improve them then you are guaranteed to enjoy the outcome.
Most relationship workshops focus on improving communication, resolving issues, and becoming closer – none of this is a bad thing! If you are having issues and you let that area of your relationship get worse then that’s exactly what’s going to happen! It’s going to get worse. It can’t get better until you make it better and that requires action.
Have you heard of John Gray? His workshops are now online! What a great tool online has become for making it easier to go to a couples retreat!
Task: If there’s an area of your relationship that needs fixing then work on it. Find a workshop that can help you figure it out and bring you closer.
20. Say I Love You
Oh, what a crazy concept. Saying I love you is old and tired and meaningless…but the reality is it only has that tired meaning when you LET it have that tired meaning.
Saying I love you does not get old if you say it with meaning and sincerity. It’s something everyone wants to hear. The trick is to say it consciously so that you come across as if you really mean instead of saying it as closer to every conversation inhabit.
When you say I love you try looking in your partner’s eyes. Make sure there is a connection there that lets your partner know you really mean it! And if you are not together then at least say it with the intention of meaning it because the energy you put behind your words matters.
Your partner knows when you mean it and it feels different than when you habitually say it. So mean it!
Task: Look at your partner and remind yourself why you love them and then say I love you!
21. Participate in Something They Enjoy
Once you get comfortable in a relationship it becomes easier to say – “I don’t like doing that so I’ll pass” without hurting someone’s feelings. But if they really enjoy something that means that it has some sort of value to them and showing that you care about what they value is the ultimate way to say I love you.
For example, if your partner loves to go for a walk but you would always rather sit around on the couch then you may be missing out on some time with them when they feel really good.
Task: When your partner decides they would like to do something that you normally wouldn’t do with them; go with them and share a memory together.
22. Stick up For Your Partner
This is a big one! I’m not just talking about sticking up for your partner in a fight or when they are arguing with someone.
How many times have you made a joke about your partner with their parents, siblings, or friends? Something that they may not find that funny or that may hurt their feelings? I’m sure you have.
Next time someone cracks a joke about your partner, stick up for them – whether you are in front of them or not. Make sure you let people know that you are on your partner’s side and will stick up for them even on the little issues.
People like it when people take their side; especially when they are the butt of a joke or feeling attacked in some way. The word will get back to your partner if they don’t see you doing it, and they will appreciate you standing up for them.
You don’t have to be talking to other people to stick up for your partner either. If they are telling you about their day and about someone who made them feel bad, let them know that you are on their side by disagreeing with the other person wholeheartedly. This is just as good as telling someone else they are wrong about your partner.
Task: Stick up for your partner in some way today.
23. Share the Decision Making
Many times in a relationship one person makes the decisions and the other person follows. Sometimes it’s by choice and sometimes there is just one really strong personality in the relationship. But decision making is best when it’s done by both of you.
One person always has to make the decisions about where to go and what to do and who to see and what to wear…can get exhausting and frustrating.
Here are two extremes:
1. I had a friend who would never let her husband make any decisions. In fact, she barely consulted him about stuff. She decided where they were going, and even if he was going to come! Eventually, they ended up divorcing.
2. I had another friend who wished her husband would make some decisions but instead, he would always leave it up to her. She had said that if she didn’t decide on what to do they wouldn’t do anything! Her husband wouldn’t even suggest things and she would just eventually lose her patience and start making the decisions.
You need to be somewhere in between there. You can’t let your partner make all the decisions for you, and you can’t be so laid back that you don’t even care to make a decision. Both will end in an unhappy partner one way or the other.
Task: Sit down with your partner and decide on something, or a few things, together. Make this a habit!
24. Watch a Dirty Movie and Role Play it
Want to spice up your love life tonight? Watch a dirty movie and then act out the movie the best you can.
If you are not into pornography then that’s okay, you can watch a movie that involves a lot of passion and sex without the pornography music and close up shots to distract you.
Either way, there is a tone to the movie that you can copy. Maybe it’s lost lovers reunited or maybe its domination or maybe it’s just sex outside of the kitchen. I don’t know what movie you will pick but I do know you will have fun.
Watching the show in itself will be the foreplay – and the sex will be the fun.
Task: Agree on a dirty movie to watch and act it out. You WILL enjoy it! And you will be doing this again very soon!
25. Kiss Each other Before Bed
This is not only a nice little ritual that you can have before bed. It’s not only nice to share some sort of intimacy before bed besides just rolling over. It’s also nice insurance that you made it known you care about your partner before sleep in case one of you doesn’t wake up.
Kissing is a sign of affection, and taking the effort to lean over and give your partner is a kiss is adding to sign of affection. You don’t have to make out! Just a simple and knowing kiss will do.
Task: Starting tonight, make kissing a routine before bed.
26. Celebrate Their Victories
Every day we have victories. They are not always as big as getting a promotion or running a 5k, but they are victories nonetheless.
Victories are always happening in our lives but we don’t take the time to notice the little ones because we are so focused on trying to achieve the big ones.
They can be as simple as finishing a task that we wanted to do or even successfully talking to your mother-in-law without pulling your hair out. They can even be getting off the couch and going for a walk for a change!
You can help your partner realize their victories by pointing them out and celebrating with them. When you catch something that they did that was successful let them know by congratulating them or making them feel as though they accomplished something good. You will make them more aware of the small victories and share that awareness with them.
Task: Today your partner will do something that is a victory big or small. Let them know you noticed their victory and celebrate it with them.
27. Be Happy When They Are Happy
If your partner feels good then that is an opportune time to feel good with them and share that bond. If you are negative or indifferent about their happiness then you may lower their happy feeling and cause them to feel less than happy about you as well.
On the other hand, if you become happy while they are happy you can boost their happiness and make them feel absolutely great about themselves!
Which would you rather do?
Task: If you notice your partner feels good then feel good with them!
28. Don’t Try To Change Your Partner
The only reason we try to change other people is to make them more like us. We want them to believe our beliefs and think like us. We want them to act, talk, and speak like us. We want them to do it the ‘right’ way – our way.
You are in a relationship with someone different than you. If they were exactly like you then they would be you, and that would be pretty pathetic. You wouldn’t have any challenges or new concepts to learn. Your partner would bring nothing new to the table in the relationship.
Your partner has become who they are today from their past experiences. They have formed their beliefs, desires, and habits from the experiences they have had.
The more you try to change them the more you are telling them that they are wrong in the way they have lived and all their experiences are for nothing.
You also run the risk of hurting the relationship by doing this because you are telling them that they shouldn’t be who they are, and that who they are is not good enough.
Is that what a loving partner says to their partner?
If you want to be a loving partner then be supportive of who they are unless they are doing something that is hurting you in some way. Don’t try to change their personality traits because you don’t agree with them.
Healthy relationships are about acceptance and support – you can offer them both by not trying to change them.
Task: Start to learn to accept that your partner is different today. Find one thing that you normally try to change and see it from their point of view – find a way to be more accepting and supportive of that trait from now on.
29. Work on Your Relationship Growth
Buy a book that helps you become more connected together. Something that you can read together every night! You are already doing that by using this book to add closeness to your relationship, but you may want to find a book that allows both of you to work on your relationship together.
Find an area that you need to work on and buy a book, guide, or something else to help you work in that area. You will find that you will grow closer because of it.
Task: Talk to your partner about where you feel you should improve in the relationship and go ahead and find something to help you do that!
30. Make it About Them For a Day
When you see your partner what’s the first thing you want to talk about?
Probably about you and what you did for the day.
Just for one day try to put all your focus on them. Listen to them and discuss things that are affecting them or matter to them. Don’t turn any conversation towards yourself, but keep it on your partner the whole time.
Eat what they want to eat, do what they want to do, and allow them to feel like they are the king or queen of your world for that day.
Task: Take today to really make your partner feel special
31. Don’t Blame Your Partner for Their Friend or Family Faults
Too often we blame our partner for the faults of the people around them when they actually have nothing to do with those faults! Even if they seem to support the faults – they are really just supporting their friends.
My husband, for example, puts up with his family nonsense even though I never would. He swears that he just does it because they are family and have never been any different. He accepts them for who they are, which is really quite an admirable trait.
Task: Instead of making them feel bad for putting up with the family or friends faults try to make them feel good about their patience, understanding, and compassion when their friends and family. You will find that you look at them with softer eyes as well.
32. Name Your Body Parts
Why would you name your body parts? Because it’s fun and creates a type of intimacy that you literally cannot have with anyone else unless you are a polygamist!
The problem with naming body parts is that it can seem quite cheesy and be a little annoying at times. That’s why you have to sit down with each other and discuss the names you like.
They should be names that are not super dirty or disrespectful because they can be used out in public during dirty talk. This is when you can get nasty around your friends without them knowing what you are doing! That’s too much fun!
Don’t go with ‘the twins’ or ‘Mr. Snake’ or any obvious names like that. Be creative. Think of an inside joke or something that you have in common and pick names that are personal to you.
Task: Just try it! You may like it and so may your partner, and it may become an endearing thing that the two of you share for the rest of your lives. Remember to keep it clean but personal because you will want to say the names in public – trust me!
33. Touch Your Partner Suggestively
Too often suggestive touch comes with the demand for sex. This touch can often turn off a woman because the act of foreplay is limited to the touch alone, and most women need much more foreplay than just a poke, rub, and a squeeze.
But a suggestive touch done correctly without the pressure of sex to be followed can be extremely exciting for both partners.
- A brush of the hand against your partner’s butt.
- An ‘accidental’ touch against your partner’s breast or penis.
- A soft breath on your partner’s neck.
- A quick rub on the back that almost touches the butt, but not quite.
These are all things that we tend to do when we are courting someone. We accidentally touch them somewhere ‘kind of’ innocent and we send chills up and down our spines while doing it. This is the type of ‘light’ and ‘accidental’ touch you should be doing.
Task: Lightly and accidentally touch your partner is a way that suggests something sexual, and then walk away with a slight smile. This is the type of foreplay that every woman likes, and every guy should experience it.
34. Random Acts of Sexual Kindness
Sex can become a give and take the type of scenario. In fact, it can almost be expected at times. “I’ll give you this if you give me that” becomes the motto in the bedroom and when one person gets jipped they become quite upset!
But how about doing random acts of sexual kindness? How about doing something for your partner without expecting something in return? This type of kindness is a win-win situation. Not only will you get to please your partner, but they will soon want to return the favor, and you will have your day receiving random acts of sexual kindness!
Task: Do something you know your partner likes done to them. Tell them that you don’t want anything in return. You just want to please them tonight. They will love it!
35. Accept Responsibility for Your Actions (Or Lack There-Of)
Is there something you blame your partner for? Do they get mad every time you forget to take the garbage out? Or do they not like the way you go about foreplay but you blame them instead of trying to find a way to change?
Maybe it has nothing to do with your relationship. Maybe you take your anger, hurt, or other negative feelings out on them and then blame them when they get mad at you.
Whatever actions you take are your own. Other people do not cause you to act the way you do, you choose to act the way you do.
If you don’t satisfy your partner with foreplay and you know that, but you don’t take any action to remedy that problem, then you can’t blame your partner for being upset about foreplay.
Or if you are angry and disrespectful towards your partner you have to own up to what you said or did take responsibility for your actions.
This point could be a novel in itself. In every area of life, and in your relationship, you are responsible for your own actions. Blaming your partner and making them feel bad for your actions is irresponsible and not fair.
Task: Think of something that you blame your partner for. How do your actions contribute to that? Take responsibility for those actions and you will see how things can change.
36. Experience New Things Together
A relationship can become quite stale and boring after a while. You lose things to talk about and get excited about and you get stuck on a track of same-old, same old.
You can rectify that though by experiencing new things together.
You experience new things in your life all the time. A new sight, sound, smell, concept, belief….etc. You are constantly experiencing new things and it makes you the person you are today, so imagine what experiencing new things with your partner will do. It will create a new relationship every time you do so.
You will form new beliefs together, new ideas, and even new traditions in the relationship.
A perfect example of this is traveling. When you experience new places together you create a bond of new awareness and new sights. You learn new things about the places you visit, and you learn it together. You literally experience new things together and after it happens it becomes part of your past that you shared as a couple. That is priceless.
Task: It doesn’t have to be traveling. It can be a documentary on TV about someone you both have an interest in. It can be baking a cake that neither of you has ever baked together. It doesn’t have to be expensive or outside of the house, it just has to be new, and there is always something new to do in life.
37. Balance Work, Personal Life, and Your Relationship
This can be a hard one for many people. Either your work, personal life, or your relationship tends to tip the scales. It’s very rare for you to be completely balanced in all areas of your life, but it’s necessary for happiness.
I remember one of my college teachers telling me that balance is so important in life. She was talking about something completely unrelated to life, but it came out of her mouth nonetheless. Possibly just for me to hear, because I’ve never forgotten that.
Balance creates a sense of accomplishment and happiness. If you are too focused on work then you will feel something missing in your relationship. If you are too focused on your personal life and your relationship then you will neglect work.
On the other hand, if you are too focused on your relationship and nothing else then you can drown your partner and create an unbalance in them! Same thing if you don’t give them enough of yourself in the relationship…you can cause them to feel unbalanced in their relationship because of your lack of being there.
There has to be a balance in all areas of your life – Personal, work-wise, and relationship-wise, and that balance has to be on all levels including mental, physical, spiritual in order to really feel whole and complete.
Life is about more than just this or that. It’s about everything you can experience!
Task: If your relationship is lacking then find the way back to it by balancing out work and your personal life with it. You may have to cut out hours from work, or from TV, or from some activity that doesn’t reward you very often. Find a way to create balance and your relationship will thank-you.
38. Do Not Flirt With Other People in Front of Your Partner
Flirting is natural. It happens. It’s to be expected. We all know it! We all do it! But no one actually wants to believe that their partner does it!
If you flirt with other people in front of your partner you are risking hurting their
feelings and lowering their self-confidence. Neither of those things is something that a partner should do. It may be crazy because you would never cheat, but it’s human nature to feel hurt and lose confidence when your partner is flirting with someone else.
Task: Have eyes only for your partner. You chose them and your duty is to make them feel as good as possible. A relationship is about uplifting, not bringing your partner down. So go ahead and flirt with your partner if you are feeling flirty!
39. Don’t Settle For ‘Okay’
Chances are if you are reading this book then you are not one to settle for ‘okay’ in a relationship, but the reminder of why it’s bad to do is still important.
Picture my friend. Her husband is a jerk. She knows it and we know it, but she settles for the relationship because she doesn’t feel she can get any better. She doesn’t say anything to him because there’s no point. She’s pretty much thrown up her hands and taken it up the ass as far as I’m concerned. This will be her life from this day until the day that she decides that okay is not enough – or dies.
Either way she will have wasted a lot of time with ‘okay’.
In my opinion, happiness is the way to go – and it’s the only thing I want to settle for. I don’t want it okay when I could have great! And I definitely don’t want to look back on my life and say “It was okay.” That would suck.
Task: If something about your relationship has become ‘okay’ then you need to fix it so that it’s great! Remember, you don’t want to look back at this area of your relationship and regret not making it better than okay. Figure out a way to make it better, and if you can’t find someone who knows how to. Don’t live in okay-land.
40. When It Comes To Mistakes – Let the Past Be The Past
Mistakes are made in life, that’s how we learn. But if your partner made a mistake in front of their face until the day they die.
If you choose to stay with someone that hurt you then you have chosen to have a future with that person, not live in the past. You can work to get over that hurt, but you can’t use that mistake to blame your partner or have power over them in every disagreement from now until death!
I’m a firm believer that if you can’t get over something someone did then doesn’t stay with them. You will never truly be happy in the relationship because there will always be that mistake they made hanging out in the back of your mind.
The good news is that you can forgive mistakes and let the past be the past. You have to choose to do so. Following is an article that I wrote that may help you forgive.
Forgive Someone Today: 3 Ways to Let Go of the Anger
It can be hard to forgive someone who has done you wrong. It doesn’t matter what type of relationship you have with them. They could be a spouse, friend, family member, or even your next-door neighbor. If they have hurt you in some way then you may be holding on to feelings of anger and hurt.
We tend to not forgive someone because we don’t want them to feel like what they did was okay. We want them to know that they hurt us and that they need to pay for that hurt.
But forgiving someone is not really about them. It’s more for your benefit then for
Just because you forgive someone you are not saying that they are right. For instance, the family of murder victims does not forgive the killers because they are admitting that what they did was okay – that is obvious. No, they forgive so that they can let go of the anger or hatred and move on with their lives without this cloud of negativity that is hanging over their head.
Three Things to Remember To Help You Forgive Someone
There are three things to remember that will make it easier for you to forgive
1. You Deserve Total Happiness
When you forgive someone you are freeing yourself from the negativity that surrounds the situation, and you as a person. You are allowing yourself to move on with your life and get out of an unhealthy state of anger. You are not letting them control how you feel anymore. You are doing yourself a huge favor!
Living with regret, anger, hatred, or any other negative feeling blocks you from living a truly happy life. You can’t be fully happy when you are holding in anger. You person did to you all the time.
But when you forgive someone and get on with living your life, you can enjoy your life for what it is right now. You can remove the hold that they have on you and start taking charge of your own life and happiness.
2. The Present Moment is Worth Living In!
Secondly, you are allowing yourself to live in the present moment when you forgive.
When you are holding on to past trespasses against you then you are living in the past. Living in the past robs you of this moment right now – what I like to call your
For instance, you recall what someone did to you in the past and you let it ruin your day instead of enjoying the here and now. You think about it, relive it, and think about what you would have, should have, and could have done. You let your day slip by and miss the wonderful and good things that happen in it because your focus is on the past. You are living in the past and letting your precious time right now slip away life.
3. They Are Who They Are
Thirdly, there is a simple truth that you have to remember about people who do stupid things.
If they would have known better, they would’ve done better.
They did what they could with what they had. If they had been a more loving, happy, kind, or positive person then chances are they would not have hurt you in whatever way they did. But they did the best with what they had.
This simple truth should be enough to let you forgive them without anger. It should allow you to see that they really are who they are and don’t have the capacity to do any better.
For instance, if they hurt you by calling you a name then they obviously do not have a whole lot of compassion for other people’s feelings. If they did have that compassion then they wouldn’t have called you that name.
If they don’t have a lot of compassion for others then they are probably walking around and spreading misery to more people than just you, which in turn spreads negativity to their own lives. So, in essence, they are not happy people in their own lives.
Another example? Let’s say someone cheated on you and you really want to forgive them. Then you have to remember that they would have done better if they knew better. Maybe they don’t think about how their actions affect other people. Maybe they don’t have great morals. Maybe they don’t think cheating is a bad thing in their own mind. Who knows?
Whatever it is, if they had been a person who thinks before they act and takes into consideration their partner’s feelings and the consequences of their actions, then they wouldn’t have cheated.
I want to make one note about relationship or any other betrayal on this level.
Understanding that your partner didn’t know any better does not make what they did right. It does not mean that you have to put up with them or stay with them because they are uninformed people who don’t know any better.
Chances are if they didn’t know better at that point in their life, they do not know any better now – unless they have gotten some help.
Forgiving them for cheating on you, for example, does not mean you have to stay with them. It just means you are aware that they didn’t know any better and are not at a capacity that you thought they were.
So, in conclusion, forgiving someone may be hard to do. But once you realize that you are taking care of your happiness when you forgive and that you are allowing yourself to live in the present moment, and once you recognize the fact that they just didn’t know how to react in a better way – then you can allow yourself to forgive and move on. Let them deal with their own happiness (or unhappiness) in life, and take care of your life and happiness first.
Task: Is there something you haven’t let go of from your partners past. Let go of it, move on, and don’t look at it as part of your partner any longer. It does not make up your partner now or in the future, it is only part of their past. Your relationship will grow stronger once you do.
41. Remember That You Can’t Change Your Partner – Only Yourself
You may want your partner to be more loving, attentive, compassionate, understanding, or even something silly like a better dancer, but the truth is you can’t change your partner – you can only change yourself.
If you could change your partner then chances are your partner would be exactly like you, as you probably think you are the perfect person to be. But we are all individuals and we all act, think, and believe just a bit differently.
Task: Let your partner be themselves today.
42. Don’t go to bed angry
It may be tempting to go to bed without discussing an issue at hand, but it’s not a good thing to do for your relationship or your stress level.
When we go to bed thinking about something very strongly, we tend to wake up thinking about that exact same thing. Even though our brain has done a million things from the time we went to bed to when we woke up, we still retain that information as if we had never gone to sleep in the first place.
When we wake up we feel angry still, or worse sad, and then we sometimes don’t get a chance to really discuss the issue until later on in the day. This means that instead of resolving the issue before bed you have added at 6-8 hours to retain this anger, and maybe even another 8-12 hours.
Anger and negative emotions cause stress on the body. Stress on the body causes all sorts of issues including poor concentration, bad decision making, and decreased health. All for a fight that will get resolved at some point?
It’s always better to resolve your issues before bed instead of letting them drag on. And if holding on to anger, and the stress issue doesn’t make you say I’m sorry then think about the age-old saying ‘If your partner dies during the night you don’t want to be the last thing you ever said to them to be negative, mean – or nothing at all.
Task: Resolve any issues you have before bed.
43. Don’t Fight in Front of Others
This is not so you can pretend that you have a perfect relationship. Being fake like that will not win you an academy award, but it will win you a bunch of annoyed friends and family.
Not fighting in front of others does a few other things for you.
1. It allows you to avoid embarrassed friends, family, or strangers who don’t necessarily want to be involved in your fights.
2. It allows you to fight fairer later on. When you fight in front of others you are including them in the fight – and since you probably don’t want to look bad in front of others you may say some things that you normally wouldn’t say otherwise just to prove your side of things. This makes for more uncomfortable feelings with friends and family.
3. It leaves the wrong impression on others. For example, my friend and her husband always fought in front of me. It got to the point that I didn’t believe they had a healthy relationship at all. Even though she said that she didn’t fight often with him, it was hard to believe that because I only ever saw them fighting. So if you want others to think you are the worst couple in the world then constantly fight in front of them.
Task: Save your relationship issues for private time. There’s no need to bring it up in front of family, friends, or even strangers.
44. Get Excited When Your Partner is Coming Home
The best way to feel good about your partner is to get excited about them. If you think ‘I need him/her to do this when he/she gets home” then you will be not excited to see them when they arrive, but you will be barking out orders. This doesn’t make your partner feel welcome and loved.
But if you start to think that you are excited to see your partner when they get home then you create a feeling of excitement, and soon you have a whirlwind of excitement that you can’t hold back. When your partner gets home you are likely to greet them with a kiss, hug, and a smile – and your partner will feel really good about arriving home and seeing you.
Both of you will benefit from this excitement to see each other. It’s the same feeling you had when you were dating except now it involves more comfortable feelings like stability, knowing, and comfort.
Task: If you are not excited to see your partner tonight then talk yourself up to get excited. You will notice the difference in how you look at your partner and feel about them immediately.
45. Treat Your Partner Better Than You Would a Stranger
I know it sounds like something you already do, but is it? We tend to treat strangers quite well. Think about it. With a stranger you would:
- Offer a smile
- Say thank-you
- Say you’re welcome
- Have patience with them
- Talk politely and respectfully
- Look them in the eye when we are talking to them.
- Listen to what they are saying.
- Help them out with kindness (think old lady dropping something and you picking it up)
With our partner we may be more likely to:
- Offer an eye-roll
- Forget to say thank-you
- Forget to do something that warrants us saying you’re welcome
- Lose patience with them
- Talk sarcastically and egotistically
- Watch TV while talking to them.
- Half-listen to what they are saying while nodding when appropriate
- Be willing to watch them pick up the dropped object on the floor
While it may not be like this all the time, we do tend to treat strangers better than we treat our partners on time. We should always treat our partners with the respect that they deserve. They are our other halves after all! We do spend more time with them than anyone else! They are our partners in life, and they deserve the same respect we would give anyone else.
Task: Next time you are going to do something rude, mean, or neglectful to your